Andrew Kwok’s 21st Speech


I felt it was kind of strange being asked to give a speech for Andrew here today, I mean, I’ve only really known him for about two years. C’mon, hands up, who here has known Andrew for longer than I have? Yeah, I see quite a few hands, in fact, there’s hands all over the place. Its like a brothel on payday.

Wow, it doesn’t seem all that long ago that I was asking people to give speeches for my 21st, so to be asked to give a speech makes me feel… well… old. I mean, I’m 23 going on 50 and I look it. I certainly look old and wrinkled next to young Andrew who is, I must say, looking quite hot tonight.

I first encountered Andrew in the now infamous school maths olympics of 1999. While still in year 9, he captained a team which included a few people sitting here today to victory in the first ever schools maths olympics. This is all very well Daniel, you may say, but where do you come into this? Well, I happened to be captaining the team that came second, which incidentally also includes a few people sitting here.

So, even at this early age, Andrew’s cut-throat competitive edge was already starting to show. Mild-mannered and very hot he might seem in everyday situations, but when the real heat is on, his ‘dark side’ begins to show. Those of us who have played scrabble with him know only too well how he cheats by coming up with really good words and putting them across the triple word score squares.

In fact, he is so competitive, and he is such an avid perfectionist, that I sometimes get the impression that if he were to come out of a test and realise that he’s actually managed to lose a mark, that he might just start crying. This is a hypothesis which needs some testing, as it is a well-known fact that Andrew doesn’t lose marks in tests. Andrew is such a workaholic that he is to idleness as I am to tasteful comments.

Speaking of competitiveness, the mums AGM this year was a perfect example of this. Here I was, minding my own business, plotting to take over mums and Andrew rocks up and has the audacity to run against me. He won, of course. Bribing the first year uni high alumni with hentai must’ve done the trick, and in retrospect, I’m a little annoyed that I didn’t think of the idea first.

But every now and then, something happens that reminds Andrew that there is more to life than getting 100% or winning all the time… or being really really really ridiculously good looking. Like the time, just 11 days ago, when he was on a team that LOST the maths olympics. Not only did they loose, but they came third!!! I guess my questions were a little too difficult for you Andrew. Revenge is sweet.

But for all his ego-centric uber-competitiveness, and his fastidious workaholic nature, Andrew is a pretty cool guy. I mean, I’ve just stood here and harped on, doing what I usually do, which is accuse him of things which are mostly completely untrue just for shits and giggles, and he just takes it in his stride and laughs along, and looks very very hot.

Well Andrew, I guess this party is all about your ego and making you feel good about yourself. Choosing me to do a speech was a stroke of genius really. I am, in every way, your inferior. Your percentage average begins with a 9 while mine begins with a 4 (5 if you don’t count metric). You are the president of MUMS while I am just the lowly education officer. Your hentai collection dwarfs mine, who knows what else you might possess which dwarfs mine. And of course, you are certainly much hotter.

Oh Andrew when I speak to thee I feel
that your mental powers are unreal
you’ve shown us all more than mere
talent it takes to get to here

work, work and work given the chance
between classes, and before the dinner dance
but when will you stop and smell the roses?
in between photo shoots, ‘tween the poses?

live life to the full is all I say
lest you look back with dismay
on your life, its many rewards
and find you’ve just accumulated hordes

of stuff of which you hold no value
degrees, certificates, cash and what have you
savour every moment, every friend
because that’s what matters in the end

Andrew, it has not only been a pleasure to know you in these few short years, but is has also been a privilege. You are a good student, a good person and a great friend. Happy birthday.

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